Life Strategies For Teens - Couverture souple

Life Law One: You Either Get It, Or You Don't

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

-- Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM (1943)

WHY YOU SHOULD READ THIS LIFE LAW

To discover and use the huge power you have to change your life. Learn how the game is played so you can get unstuck and have more of what you want and need. Stop being pissed off and start winning. Become one who gets it.

Kim, a friend of mine in high school, hated our cafeteria food, and at least once a week she would sneak off campus and go to one of the nearby fast-food places. The problem was that our principal caught her every time she came back and gave her a detention.

Kim hated detention but always thought she would get away with leaving "this time." She never did. By Christmas break Kim had served twenty-one detentions.

WHY IS THAT?

Next time your math teacher is droning on and on, why don't you let your mind wander a bit. Think about this: Why do some people seem to do so well while others, like Kim, seem lost and confused and don't appear to have a clue how to do any better?

Take it a step further. How is it, for instance, that Tom and Dave can score the same on an IQ test, yet Tom is a total waste at school while Dave makes straight As? Why is it that Meghan can maintain a great relationship with a guy while Laura, who's much better looking and more vivacious than Meghan, can't get a guy to take her out for more than two weeks? Why is it that Robert has been able to rise up from his abusive childhood and Amy has been able to succeed despite growing up poor while William, who comes from one of the most prominent and richest families in the city, is a total loser?

Why is it that the most popular girl in school is, in fact, the most popular girl in school? Why is it that the star athlete is so determined to succeed? Why is it that the school's class president is so good at organizing and presenting information? Why is it that some kids are so good-natured and so friendly you always want to sit with them at lunch?

Is it because they are more gifted than you? They've got genes that you don't?

Get real. Not a chance.

I hate to be blunt, but there's no better way to say this: These are people who have pulled their heads out of the clouds and decided to learn how the world works. They have stopped stumbling along, they have eliminated the types of behavior that just don't benefit them in the long run, and they have figured out what it's going to take to get the results they want. They don't stew over their problems, they don't look for excuses about why they can't get things done, and they don't get angry and pout about how life can be so unfair. Instead, they have made the effort to change their lives by accumulating certain information, putting together a plan, and applying the right skills.

In short, they "get it." They know that it isn't the luck of the draw that determines who gets to be successful. They know there isn't much guesswork involved in getting the results that matter -- whether those results be good grades, starring roles in anything from a sports team to the drama club, more freedom and independence after school, or even happiness and a deeper sense of peace.

They know there is a kind of "system," or process, that can be used to get ahead of the pack. They have taken the time to study that system. For them, learning that system is no different than learning to drive a car or fly an airplane. They know there is work required to learn how to navigate through life. For them it's never been enough just to become aware that there is a system. They learn how to make that system work for them.

It's no different for you. All you have to do is learn that system and then work it, and you, too, will get what you want.

Sounds sort of cut-and-dried, doesn't it? All you have to do is follow a few rules. Learn a "system." You're thinking, "Come on, Jay, you don't know what you're talking about. Life is very anxiety-ridden, full of problems and weirdness, crazy parents, backstabbing friends, bossy teachers. How can that be?"

Trust me, all you have to do is work the system.

WORKING THE SYSTEM

Are you wondering just what in the heck I am talking about? Think back on the other people you know who are successful. The reason they "get it" is because they refuse to choose behaviors that they know will put them at a disadvantage with the rules of the world. What they do choose are behaviors that they know will get them the things that they want.

Here's an example of how the system works.

Grades: The guys and girls who "get it" in this world know that if they make poor grades, they get a poor level of respect. They know that if they make mediocre grades, they get only mediocre respect. They know that good grades create a level of respect and trust from parents and teachers that they cannot get any other way. They know that good grades lead to more freedom and more responsibility in life.

Here's the important thing: Those who "get it" know that the world's response to good grades is a fact of life that just isn't going to change. They accept that fact and they utilize it. When I was cruising (or so I thought) through my teens, I hopelessly did not "get it" about grades. Whenever the report card came out every six weeks my dad would sit me down for the big talk. He'd say, over and over, "How can you not want to study? How do you not have a thirst for knowledge? How can you not discipline yourself to do this? Don't you hate showing up at school and everybody thinks you're the guy who knows nothing?"

I think I heard the "thirst-for-knowledge" speech a thousand times. I'd tell my dad that I would really do better and study harder the next six weeks. But as soon as I was back in my room, I'd go back to staring at the ceiling. Apparently, I just didn't want to work the system. I'd rather have fun with my friends, concentrate on things like basketball -- you know the story.

But did my refusal to work the system make me any happier? Was I more fulfilled living the carefree existence because I wasn't studying? I'm afraid not. I was always feeling slightly guilty, and slightly worried. Thank God I finally had my moment of epiphany, where I woke up and realized, "Hey, you male bimbo, who are you kidding here? This is your future that you're letting slip away from you." But if I had just "gotten it" when I was fifteen, my life would have been so much better, so much calmer, so much more rewarding.

Many of you are probably like me. You haven't spent much time learning and working the system. Some of you have just drifted along, thinking you can't really affect your destiny until you become an adult. Others of you are out there saying things like you shouldn't have to be judged on such things as your grades. You're saying, "I don't have to conform to the ways of the world."

Maybe you're right, but you're missing the point entirely. I'm not talking about right or wrong; I'm just talking about getting the results you want in your life, period. When you are one of those who "gets it," it's as if you are the star in the movie of your own life, and you are making things happen, rather than waiting for them to happen. You write your own script, you choose who is in the film, and you even direct the action that leads you to the ending you want. Instead of just reacting to whatever comes along in life, you get to live a life you have designed.

Sounds pretty fancy, but think about it. To get anywhere in life, to achieve any of your goals (even the most nonconformist ones), you have to figure out the best way to do it, and that requires you to figure out the rules you must follow and the roles you must play. You want to be a sports star in school? There is a system you have to work to get there. You want to be the most popular kid in school? There is a system you have to work to get there. You want to be in the chess club? There is a system you have to work to get there. You want to live with some passion in your life? There is a system you have to work to get there.

THOSE WHO DON'T GET IT

Please understand, this is not a Life Law aimed only at those of you who want to be the super-great performers. It's also for all of you who know, deep down, that the time has come to put your life together. It's a Life Law for those of you who know you "should" do something about your life and who'd like to change, but who just aren't sure how to change. It's for those of you who blame circumstances for your place in life, but who don't know exactly how to find the circumstances you want. It's for those of you who feel so bored that you don't even like hanging out with yourself.

Think about how much time you've put into some aspects of your life. You've spent hours mastering video games, or sports, or memorizing songs. But you spend little or no time learning the system of life and then working it.

I'm not saying that your goal should be to become fanatically driven and so determined to be successful that you sacrifice all the other parts of your life. I'm not saying that at all. But there's a big difference between just going from day to day barely getting by, versus understanding who you are, how your life works, and how you can take the initiative to design your life. It's only when you finally "get it" that you can beat back all those lingering feelings of anxiety and confusion that you often have at night when you're sitting up in your bedroom alone wondering why no one seems to understand you. It's only when you finally "get it" that you can get to a place where you are no longer ignored, unfairly targeted, or flat-out run over. We know how easy it is for that to happen.

Think of what "getting it" will do for you. If you're in the game of life, whether you're currently playing the game at school for grades, or socially for popularity, or trying to land a certain girlfriend or boyfriend, or competing for a part-time after-school job, think of the incredible edge you will have over everybody else if you understand how the game works.

You will have an advantage because knowledge is definitely power. I see it all the time when I sucker my dad into playing video games with me. He doesn't have a clue how to score, he doesn't know where the trap doors are, he doesn't know how to generate extra points -- so he fumbles along with a ham-fisted approach to a game he just doesn't understand. I slaughter him every single time. I don't mean some of the time; I mean every time. My dad is as smart as me and as quick as me and even has eyes as good as I do, but he just doesn't get it. Half the time he's holding the controller upside down.

No matter how highly you think of yourself, if you don't understand the rules of this world, you are not even a threat when you find yourself in competition with those who do get it, those who have the skills and know the rules. Let me tell you:

• It's not uncool to know how the world works and to know how to get the things that you want.
  
  
• It's not uncool to figure out a way to get along with your parents.
  
  
• It's not uncool to find a way to get along with your teachers.
  
  
• It's not uncool to say "No, that bothers me," when talking about behavior you don't want or you're not ready for, like drugs, alcohol, or sex.
  
  
• It's not uncool to have a diversity of friends.
  
  
• It's not uncool to get excited about something in your life, to find a passion, and to live with passion.
  
  

GETTING IT WITH OTHER PEOPLE

One of the best things about those who get it is that they realize that they have to interact with others. I know a lot of you believe that you can make your own way, march to your own drummer, and set your own agenda. Fine. You still have to interact with other people, and if you want to get anywhere at all, you must understand people, if for no other reason, so that you can get them to do what you want them to do. When you "get it" about other people -- when you realize what drives their behavior -- then you can use this knowledge for yourself and your own strategy to be successful.

Let me tell you about something that happened to my father. This story taught me a lot about "getting it." Here's how he tells it:

When I was in high school in Kansas City, I worked the night shift down at Hallmark Cards. When you get off work at two or three o'clock in the morning, it's a different world than what people see during the day. We were night owls looking for trouble, and we usually found some. A buddy of mine, who also worked at the plant, owned a Chevy Chevelle muscle car with over four hundred horsepower. After work, we liked to race around the deserted streets at ridiculous speeds, looking for a drag race with some other late-night moron with a hundred dollars to bet.

One night, during the Christmas holiday, we had two passengers on our late-night prowls: a longtime friend visiting me from a small town, and a friend of the driver's whom I had not met before. Under my then-theory that stupidity was a virtue, we were doing well over a hundred miles an hour on Main Street, right on the fringe of downtown Kansas City, when an unmarked patrol car appeared out of nowhere, clinging to our bumper. His car was apparently pretty fast, too. He didn't seem to want to race; I was pretty sure he didn't have any beer to share, and boy, did he look mad.

Skipping the usual practice of flooding us with spotlights and calling for backup, the patrolman pulled us over and leaped out of his car, slamming his door so hard we could feel it. I don't know if this cop was truly a giant or just looked that way that night, but he looked big enough to have his own weather systems, and it definitely looked like a storm was brewing.

As the officer stomped up to the car, my buddy's friend panicked. Wriggling and sliding out the rear window, he dropped headfirst to the sidewalk and took off running. If that cop wasn't mad enough before, he was now. It was bad enough that we had violated his turf; now, because one of us had run away, we had further insulted him and defied his authority.

The policeman yanked the driver's door open, grabbed my buddy by the collar, dragged him out, and ordered us to follow suit. Holding my friend by the collar, he said, "I'm going to ask you one @!&Z$ time: Who is that boy that ran off?"

In his most surly and sarcastic tone, my buddy snarled, "Well, his name is...Sam Sausage! What of it?" I remember thinking, "Buddy, you just don't get it." That cop hit him so hard it almost broke my nose.

Up to that point, I had been worried about getting a ticket or an impounded car. Given the turn of events, that would have been a godsend. Apparently, this particular officer was not real big on paperwork. My small-town friend was, unfortunately for him, next in line. His problem was, he really didn't know the runner's name, and neither did I, so my prospects were not looking too good, either. Now the cop ran the same drill. Grabbing the collar of my friend (who was now wishing he could "b...

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